finally some good news...
I hate journaling, I always have. But sometimes I just have to get things out. And hopefully, I always say this, I will get better at this.
Good news! After being rejected by the loan company for A to get a student loan, we were able to secure funding another way. But for the entire month of october, we were waffling and stressed and didn't do anything towards our impending move. Now we are stressed because we have so much to do in the short time before we leave for Florida. BUT, I am so excited we are going. I really want this change of pace! It's going to be a difficult relationship tester, but we will make it through it. I know what I'm getting into. Hopefully I'll be able to post some great stories about my misadventures moving to the opposite coast.
I survived divorce court! It was scary but empowering at the same time. My paralegal didn't go and although my ex had the option, he chose not to go. I had a friend go with me, so I didn't have to go alone. We were #6 on the docket. It was funny because there were three instances of lawyers not having copies of or having filed the appropriate forms. We were like "hello, why are you paying this lawyer???" After only 45 minutes of hearing cases, the judge was already rubbing his temples, exasperated... Then, when they called my case, I had to go up to the table in front of the judge all along. Just little me sitting there, no one else. Everyone else had had their ex and maybe a lawyer or two with them. The judge asked where ex was and I told him that I did not know. Which was true. But I didn't tell him that he had chosen not to come... Then he asked for a copy of the judgement, which I had, and I gave it to him. He read it, asked a few questions and then pronounced me divorced in another 6 months. Our divorce should have been final in sept, so it was already a month overdue. I wrestled with asking why I needed to wait another 6 months. Should I ask the judge? I don't know, he is a judge after all... But I don't think I have to wait more, I don't know... I finally got up the courage and asked. And I was right, he said that we hadn't filed a form yet and thankfully, I had a copy of it with proof it had been filed. I showed it to him and he corrected himself. And smiled at me! I was so proud :) So my divorce was granted. I was beaming as I walked back to collect my friend and leave. And as we were getting into the elevator, my friend, much to the suprise of everyone else in the elevator, turned to me and congratulated me on no longer being an adulterous whore. Quite a moment.
But for the almost 3 weeks since then, I have wrestled with wondering if I had done the right thing. Mostly when I was sad or lonely or especially when a sad song came on the radio. I think it was just grief resurfacing. I haven't had much this entire time, until now. Should we have gone to counseling, tried harder, made it work? I probably could have stayed forever, but I wasn't happy. And at 28 years old, I didn't feel like that was how I wanted my life to be forever. Staying with a man that was my friend, but not much more. When I see him, he looks so sad, so torn and I wish I could help him and make him feel better. I have the feeling that he would get back together if I wanted; but he would never say that to me, he's too closed off to admit it. Of course every time ex does something to make me angry, I get over it and remember why we divorced. Which is like 2x a week... Like right now...
He has consented to my taking little bit to FL for a year. But now he wants to put the limitation of only one year on it and then I have to come back. And then he wants 50/50 custody. Right now he technically has 9% custody and doesn't even see his child for more than 1/3 of the time he is alloted. But suddenly he thinks he can just jump in and be a real father? His excuse? He doesn't have time now, but when he gets a steady job and gets settled he will have time. Oh, OK, so when it's more convienient for you, you will come back to fathering? Yeah, that's fair to me, and your child, and the man who has stepped in to raise him! I ask him several times a week to set a regular schedule with me to visit his son. He won't, he doesn't have time. So we never know when/if they will see each other again. At this moment, they don't even have any time together scheduled. Parenting is not something you can do or not do depending on your schedule? Is he suddenly going to have time to attend swim classes? Cause he couldn't be bothered to do this past year. It's been years since he went to a dr. appointment. How many haircuts has he taken him to? Oh, that's right, NONE! How often are you going to be able to leave work early to take him to baseball practice? 2x a week? 'cause that's what it takes to be a parent. What's your son's favorite son? Oh, what? You don't know? WTFE! We'll see what ends up happening 1.5 years from now, when we move back from FL. He thinks it's going to be so easy to raise a child.
My other issue with this is that I don't want 50/50 custody b/c I think it is too hard on the child. Being shuffled back and forth contantly, with no consistant home base... My friend was a victim of this and told me that the only way she was able to remember which house she was waking up at was by having the alarm clock on one side at mom's house and the other side at dad's house. I love my son too much to put him through that. I would rather have a 70/30 split, even if I have to take the 30, just so that my son will have stability in his life. I think 70% custody will be too much and 30% will be too little for his dad. The ex will selfishly argue for 50% because that's what HE wants instead of putting the best interest of our child first. Just another example of his not comprehending what it takes to be a parent.
I've also finally had some contact with the new girl friend. Sometimes, I think she's not so bad, sometimes I refer to her as "just the girl that daddy is fucking this week". Depends on my mood. I emailed him a bunch of rhetorical questions about him and them. He never wrote back to me and I didn't really expect him to, but was hoping he might. A week later, when I asked him about it, he said she really wanted to write to me herself, so I told him to tell her to go ahead. So now we've had a few emails. She has clearly said that she wants to meet me has no designs on my role as mommy. So now, I was all excited to meet her because I think we will get along, when she totally disses me and doesn't bother to write back. I even went so far as to reccomend her for a job here, where I work. I thought that was pretty damn progressive of me! I just have to keep reminding myself that she has nothing to gain by meeting me so no reason to email me back quickly, whereas I have everything to gain by meeting the person who's trying to parent my child. All I want to do is reassure her that even though ex and I talk all the time, he is more like my brother than an ex. I am much more devestated at the loss of my best friend than of my husband. And that she shouldn't worry about me trying to get him back. Oh, and she posted pic's of little bit on her website which annoyed the crap out of me. Logically, it's really no big deal, but emotionally, it feels like she's trying to lay claim on him, when really she has none. So that's been a huge internal struggle...
Good news! After being rejected by the loan company for A to get a student loan, we were able to secure funding another way. But for the entire month of october, we were waffling and stressed and didn't do anything towards our impending move. Now we are stressed because we have so much to do in the short time before we leave for Florida. BUT, I am so excited we are going. I really want this change of pace! It's going to be a difficult relationship tester, but we will make it through it. I know what I'm getting into. Hopefully I'll be able to post some great stories about my misadventures moving to the opposite coast.
I survived divorce court! It was scary but empowering at the same time. My paralegal didn't go and although my ex had the option, he chose not to go. I had a friend go with me, so I didn't have to go alone. We were #6 on the docket. It was funny because there were three instances of lawyers not having copies of or having filed the appropriate forms. We were like "hello, why are you paying this lawyer???" After only 45 minutes of hearing cases, the judge was already rubbing his temples, exasperated... Then, when they called my case, I had to go up to the table in front of the judge all along. Just little me sitting there, no one else. Everyone else had had their ex and maybe a lawyer or two with them. The judge asked where ex was and I told him that I did not know. Which was true. But I didn't tell him that he had chosen not to come... Then he asked for a copy of the judgement, which I had, and I gave it to him. He read it, asked a few questions and then pronounced me divorced in another 6 months. Our divorce should have been final in sept, so it was already a month overdue. I wrestled with asking why I needed to wait another 6 months. Should I ask the judge? I don't know, he is a judge after all... But I don't think I have to wait more, I don't know... I finally got up the courage and asked. And I was right, he said that we hadn't filed a form yet and thankfully, I had a copy of it with proof it had been filed. I showed it to him and he corrected himself. And smiled at me! I was so proud :) So my divorce was granted. I was beaming as I walked back to collect my friend and leave. And as we were getting into the elevator, my friend, much to the suprise of everyone else in the elevator, turned to me and congratulated me on no longer being an adulterous whore. Quite a moment.
But for the almost 3 weeks since then, I have wrestled with wondering if I had done the right thing. Mostly when I was sad or lonely or especially when a sad song came on the radio. I think it was just grief resurfacing. I haven't had much this entire time, until now. Should we have gone to counseling, tried harder, made it work? I probably could have stayed forever, but I wasn't happy. And at 28 years old, I didn't feel like that was how I wanted my life to be forever. Staying with a man that was my friend, but not much more. When I see him, he looks so sad, so torn and I wish I could help him and make him feel better. I have the feeling that he would get back together if I wanted; but he would never say that to me, he's too closed off to admit it. Of course every time ex does something to make me angry, I get over it and remember why we divorced. Which is like 2x a week... Like right now...
He has consented to my taking little bit to FL for a year. But now he wants to put the limitation of only one year on it and then I have to come back. And then he wants 50/50 custody. Right now he technically has 9% custody and doesn't even see his child for more than 1/3 of the time he is alloted. But suddenly he thinks he can just jump in and be a real father? His excuse? He doesn't have time now, but when he gets a steady job and gets settled he will have time. Oh, OK, so when it's more convienient for you, you will come back to fathering? Yeah, that's fair to me, and your child, and the man who has stepped in to raise him! I ask him several times a week to set a regular schedule with me to visit his son. He won't, he doesn't have time. So we never know when/if they will see each other again. At this moment, they don't even have any time together scheduled. Parenting is not something you can do or not do depending on your schedule? Is he suddenly going to have time to attend swim classes? Cause he couldn't be bothered to do this past year. It's been years since he went to a dr. appointment. How many haircuts has he taken him to? Oh, that's right, NONE! How often are you going to be able to leave work early to take him to baseball practice? 2x a week? 'cause that's what it takes to be a parent. What's your son's favorite son? Oh, what? You don't know? WTFE! We'll see what ends up happening 1.5 years from now, when we move back from FL. He thinks it's going to be so easy to raise a child.
My other issue with this is that I don't want 50/50 custody b/c I think it is too hard on the child. Being shuffled back and forth contantly, with no consistant home base... My friend was a victim of this and told me that the only way she was able to remember which house she was waking up at was by having the alarm clock on one side at mom's house and the other side at dad's house. I love my son too much to put him through that. I would rather have a 70/30 split, even if I have to take the 30, just so that my son will have stability in his life. I think 70% custody will be too much and 30% will be too little for his dad. The ex will selfishly argue for 50% because that's what HE wants instead of putting the best interest of our child first. Just another example of his not comprehending what it takes to be a parent.
I've also finally had some contact with the new girl friend. Sometimes, I think she's not so bad, sometimes I refer to her as "just the girl that daddy is fucking this week". Depends on my mood. I emailed him a bunch of rhetorical questions about him and them. He never wrote back to me and I didn't really expect him to, but was hoping he might. A week later, when I asked him about it, he said she really wanted to write to me herself, so I told him to tell her to go ahead. So now we've had a few emails. She has clearly said that she wants to meet me has no designs on my role as mommy. So now, I was all excited to meet her because I think we will get along, when she totally disses me and doesn't bother to write back. I even went so far as to reccomend her for a job here, where I work. I thought that was pretty damn progressive of me! I just have to keep reminding myself that she has nothing to gain by meeting me so no reason to email me back quickly, whereas I have everything to gain by meeting the person who's trying to parent my child. All I want to do is reassure her that even though ex and I talk all the time, he is more like my brother than an ex. I am much more devestated at the loss of my best friend than of my husband. And that she shouldn't worry about me trying to get him back. Oh, and she posted pic's of little bit on her website which annoyed the crap out of me. Logically, it's really no big deal, but emotionally, it feels like she's trying to lay claim on him, when really she has none. So that's been a huge internal struggle...
